For a shy, shy, shy person I am very obstinate, and opinionated. I have always had a voice or presence. I am a BIT MUCH even medicated. I find I have no racing mind, no inability to focus and histrionic is part of my temperament. I'm just an ODD DUCK and in the end...I like my DUCKINESS.
My opinions used to be soley viseral, but not anymore. Wide reading and thinkin' procedes comments. But...its just not worth the time to share. My family doesn't reply to my emails. My family barely comments on FB. I used FB as a way to let my brother, his wife, my mom and my sister "know" me. But...FB is not for them. Maybe I'm not for them.
What can I expect closeness after 20 years of being gone from their lives? However, I met and reconnected with others on FB, but that, too, is hollow. Gone is gone. I never was close for so many reasons and now I have to be honest. Its not something I know or can have. I just cannot be close to people-I used to have friends prior to 2000. I used to have people love being with me. With the terror of finding out I have "the killer" mental illness came great amounts of suppression of my happiness and with my ebbulent self masked under years and years and years of medicine I race to medicine and live a shudderred existence. I must work. I must read- my drug of choice, but nobody is asking for my opinions. I think I have good opinions and insights, but its just me and my doctors who appreciate me.
FB is hollow. A summer away from FB and then just nothing. I will give nothing and read like I did for 16 months prior to making comments. To the shadows I go, but I will force myself to journal what I'm reading, what I'm learning and work on something to be published somewhere and ...garden, study, read and volunteer. I'm my best when I'm helping others and am not so self-involved. However, I will MSherbert, but this will just be a small voice of me to two folks and myself.
I'm going to find a German psychatrist and just restart the whole SHEBANG. I think inconsistent care is my biggest obstical to stability. Look how good I've done with like 14 different clinicians in 11 years. Its just time to plan my next 17 years prior to retirement. I'm like a rockstar with my doctors and mental health professionals. You would not know the immense relief I have sitting across from someone who appreciates ME- diseased mind and who I AM. Really, I was ashamed of my mental illness, but not anymore. I'm good at two things: teaching and doing basically okay despite an enormous disabiltiy. I'm a sometimes OKAY parent and I thank GOD that Jessica-Laura is so magnificent.
Today...I renouce FB and emails to my family. I just will do what I have always done- nothing much. I just do not have the ability to be WITH many people. My worldview is not all that. I'm not all that, but I have to just find another way to write and publish. You know...it broke my heart that noone wrote me back when I sent the Ripple story. Premise was hookey. Writing self-serving, but it has something and editing can bring it out.
I think I'm not a really hopeless writer and I've not worked at it outside of classes. But, I think the "connection" I seek is more with words and less with family. I just feel best reading and thinking and sometimes I feel some bliss when I write.
So, consistent care for my DIRE medical condition and acceptance that I cannot become close to my family when I left them in 1991. Just isn't possible. I cannot be close to THE SOUTH through FB. I just need close friends, but the best friend I can have is ...me.
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