On Monday, June 25th we fly to London for our holiday until the 31st. JL is all upset that she won't talk to her boyfriend every night and really is disgusted to see Anne Bolen in the Globe.
I had stayed away from work for four weeks. I still had stuff to do in my room. Some more to gather. It is hard to pack up 24 years of materials.
I went to a hospital for six days to get stable on medicine and to get more care. JL spent those days at Cirila's house. I have to thank Cirila. What to do?
Friday, July 22, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Tick Tock...Media Cleansing...ACTION PLAN...Letting Go of Hope to become Close to My Family
For a shy, shy, shy person I am very obstinate, and opinionated. I have always had a voice or presence. I am a BIT MUCH even medicated. I find I have no racing mind, no inability to focus and histrionic is part of my temperament. I'm just an ODD DUCK and in the end...I like my DUCKINESS.
My opinions used to be soley viseral, but not anymore. Wide reading and thinkin' procedes comments. But...its just not worth the time to share. My family doesn't reply to my emails. My family barely comments on FB. I used FB as a way to let my brother, his wife, my mom and my sister "know" me. But...FB is not for them. Maybe I'm not for them.
What can I expect closeness after 20 years of being gone from their lives? However, I met and reconnected with others on FB, but that, too, is hollow. Gone is gone. I never was close for so many reasons and now I have to be honest. Its not something I know or can have. I just cannot be close to people-I used to have friends prior to 2000. I used to have people love being with me. With the terror of finding out I have "the killer" mental illness came great amounts of suppression of my happiness and with my ebbulent self masked under years and years and years of medicine I race to medicine and live a shudderred existence. I must work. I must read- my drug of choice, but nobody is asking for my opinions. I think I have good opinions and insights, but its just me and my doctors who appreciate me.
FB is hollow. A summer away from FB and then just nothing. I will give nothing and read like I did for 16 months prior to making comments. To the shadows I go, but I will force myself to journal what I'm reading, what I'm learning and work on something to be published somewhere and ...garden, study, read and volunteer. I'm my best when I'm helping others and am not so self-involved. However, I will MSherbert, but this will just be a small voice of me to two folks and myself.
I'm going to find a German psychatrist and just restart the whole SHEBANG. I think inconsistent care is my biggest obstical to stability. Look how good I've done with like 14 different clinicians in 11 years. Its just time to plan my next 17 years prior to retirement. I'm like a rockstar with my doctors and mental health professionals. You would not know the immense relief I have sitting across from someone who appreciates ME- diseased mind and who I AM. Really, I was ashamed of my mental illness, but not anymore. I'm good at two things: teaching and doing basically okay despite an enormous disabiltiy. I'm a sometimes OKAY parent and I thank GOD that Jessica-Laura is so magnificent.
Today...I renouce FB and emails to my family. I just will do what I have always done- nothing much. I just do not have the ability to be WITH many people. My worldview is not all that. I'm not all that, but I have to just find another way to write and publish. You know...it broke my heart that noone wrote me back when I sent the Ripple story. Premise was hookey. Writing self-serving, but it has something and editing can bring it out.
I think I'm not a really hopeless writer and I've not worked at it outside of classes. But, I think the "connection" I seek is more with words and less with family. I just feel best reading and thinking and sometimes I feel some bliss when I write.
So, consistent care for my DIRE medical condition and acceptance that I cannot become close to my family when I left them in 1991. Just isn't possible. I cannot be close to THE SOUTH through FB. I just need close friends, but the best friend I can have is ...me.
My opinions used to be soley viseral, but not anymore. Wide reading and thinkin' procedes comments. But...its just not worth the time to share. My family doesn't reply to my emails. My family barely comments on FB. I used FB as a way to let my brother, his wife, my mom and my sister "know" me. But...FB is not for them. Maybe I'm not for them.
What can I expect closeness after 20 years of being gone from their lives? However, I met and reconnected with others on FB, but that, too, is hollow. Gone is gone. I never was close for so many reasons and now I have to be honest. Its not something I know or can have. I just cannot be close to people-I used to have friends prior to 2000. I used to have people love being with me. With the terror of finding out I have "the killer" mental illness came great amounts of suppression of my happiness and with my ebbulent self masked under years and years and years of medicine I race to medicine and live a shudderred existence. I must work. I must read- my drug of choice, but nobody is asking for my opinions. I think I have good opinions and insights, but its just me and my doctors who appreciate me.
FB is hollow. A summer away from FB and then just nothing. I will give nothing and read like I did for 16 months prior to making comments. To the shadows I go, but I will force myself to journal what I'm reading, what I'm learning and work on something to be published somewhere and ...garden, study, read and volunteer. I'm my best when I'm helping others and am not so self-involved. However, I will MSherbert, but this will just be a small voice of me to two folks and myself.
I'm going to find a German psychatrist and just restart the whole SHEBANG. I think inconsistent care is my biggest obstical to stability. Look how good I've done with like 14 different clinicians in 11 years. Its just time to plan my next 17 years prior to retirement. I'm like a rockstar with my doctors and mental health professionals. You would not know the immense relief I have sitting across from someone who appreciates ME- diseased mind and who I AM. Really, I was ashamed of my mental illness, but not anymore. I'm good at two things: teaching and doing basically okay despite an enormous disabiltiy. I'm a sometimes OKAY parent and I thank GOD that Jessica-Laura is so magnificent.
Today...I renouce FB and emails to my family. I just will do what I have always done- nothing much. I just do not have the ability to be WITH many people. My worldview is not all that. I'm not all that, but I have to just find another way to write and publish. You know...it broke my heart that noone wrote me back when I sent the Ripple story. Premise was hookey. Writing self-serving, but it has something and editing can bring it out.
I think I'm not a really hopeless writer and I've not worked at it outside of classes. But, I think the "connection" I seek is more with words and less with family. I just feel best reading and thinking and sometimes I feel some bliss when I write.
So, consistent care for my DIRE medical condition and acceptance that I cannot become close to my family when I left them in 1991. Just isn't possible. I cannot be close to THE SOUTH through FB. I just need close friends, but the best friend I can have is ...me.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Time Off....Three Weeks...BP...Four...Writing...Musing to Self
Starting June 25th I will obstain from ALL media, and devel into life. I will only use the computer to book vacation plans and upload photos. I will read but nothing to do with much- hack stuff I pick up from the local library, and travel books.
I will concentrate on writing. Really writing with editing and purpose- not just me blathering about one of my many, many interest.
I think I have Asbergers, too. But, hey...made it this far without that diagnosis. BP just is flush with comorbibity and if you've experienced mixed states then you probably will have up to four "other" mental illnesses.
So, I will buy the Jamison BP textbook. Get a German doctor to care for my "primary" illness. Could the HYDRA been a story created by a person who had a family member that had mixed states of BP? I feel sometimes dwarfed by my illness. It just doesn't go away- even in remission.
I will concentrate on writing. Really writing with editing and purpose- not just me blathering about one of my many, many interest.
I think I have Asbergers, too. But, hey...made it this far without that diagnosis. BP just is flush with comorbibity and if you've experienced mixed states then you probably will have up to four "other" mental illnesses.
So, I will buy the Jamison BP textbook. Get a German doctor to care for my "primary" illness. Could the HYDRA been a story created by a person who had a family member that had mixed states of BP? I feel sometimes dwarfed by my illness. It just doesn't go away- even in remission.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Limited Traction for My First Baptist Upbringing...I'm Pluralist...and My God is a Woman with Zinging Puns Who Laughs as She Works
Before you discount my strong language and inability to whole heartily agree with people who become upset if ..."Under God" is dropped from an NBC piece...
First go to Bali and Japan and live there, or visit active temples/shrines and see how other religions foster common understanding that each and every life- although different from mine- is just. I almost teared up at flower petals on green leaves and floating lanterns in rivers- all honoring a God I did not know, but was done with such reverence that I was lost for words for a way to actually do anything, but Thank my God (female with love for puns) to allow me those experiences.
The actual word God is exclusionary. God however it is depicted exists even in remote jungles. Worship has always been common to mankind- the expression is distinct, but Godness is not original to America- all of 200+ years old.
I've studied Buddhist. Christianity. Muslim. I've witnessed more, and I cannot find that my First Baptist upbringing is MORE BETTER.
First go to Bali and Japan and live there, or visit active temples/shrines and see how other religions foster common understanding that each and every life- although different from mine- is just. I almost teared up at flower petals on green leaves and floating lanterns in rivers- all honoring a God I did not know, but was done with such reverence that I was lost for words for a way to actually do anything, but Thank my God (female with love for puns) to allow me those experiences.
The actual word God is exclusionary. God however it is depicted exists even in remote jungles. Worship has always been common to mankind- the expression is distinct, but Godness is not original to America- all of 200+ years old.
I've studied Buddhist. Christianity. Muslim. I've witnessed more, and I cannot find that my First Baptist upbringing is MORE BETTER.
Room Exit...New Classroom...Chagrin...Definately Burnout is ME!
JL helped move my stuff. I had her bag ALL of my closets and shelves. I had over 48 full size bags. The hallway outside of my new room looks WILD. Me. I would of stacked by size. JL just dumped. My principal was fluttering and upset. I just barely could move.
My classroom was on DoDEA website. I mean I have had beautiful functioning rooms. What happened?
Well, the past is done. In three weeks of a clean break after this Friday I will go into my new classroom and methodically organize it. Refine. Refine. Refine.
I wish I had taken pictures of my classrooms. I wish I had a professional portfolio. Something of substance to reclaim what I lost this year. Order and loveliness.
The only other time I was so disorganized was in mania.
One of the four teachers I personally asked to help me improve on management and classroom environment gave me Teach Like a Champion. And, then I'm going ahead and re-reading my foundational texts. Thank god, teacher texts are so easy to read. I do better with notes- not in margin, but actual notes. First, I'll read all these books. I'll list them as I read. Then, I'll specifically re-read what moved me the most and make index card notes which then will be transferred to like a working document.
I will never succum to poor work ethic again. Forget the kids. Its me who suffers the most. Somehow, my students either excelled by 1.6 month gains in 9 months, or were held back and managed only 7 month gains in 9 months specifically in math. Therefore, my average gain is about 12 month gain in 9 months is reading and math. God, how? How can I have my worst year and still not tragically harm my students?
Standard measures are: DRA2, SRI, Reading Counts and the frustrating StarMath. Its time for me to see if I can move my class I have next year two years in one year. I did this with my class of SY 09-10, Second grade in my first year. I think I may be able to leapfrog this past school year, and actually quantify my ability as a teacher for second grade. Either second graders are the MOST capable of making two years learning in one year, or its me. I really need a third year to determine if I am actually making a difference. I know more about data and extraction and what formative assessments lead to good/fantastic summative assessments.
Despite being totally hollow after this year. I think statistically I may actually be able to be a MASTER TEACHER. I think my embulent behavior and need to rattle research is annoying to others, but thank god, I love what I do. I've always been an odd duck, but overall I'm rather kind and jovial and love teaching kids to THINK and embrace each chance they get to develop their capacity for learning. Even feeling hopeless like when I think of the mess of culled teacher materials waiting to be moved into my new classroom I am not despondent. Even miserable I am rather happy.
However, after this Friday when I do my additional training for Everyday Mathematics I will not touch, or do one thing related to my education as a teacher. I will cook. I will clean. I will connect with my incredible 16 year old daughter. We'll travel and I will read all of the other books I have waiting in the wings.
I'm not like TRoosevelt and able to read three books a day, but its taken me almost three years to again have the chops to read and to retain what I read like I have always. For my whole adult life I have read 200 to 250 books a year- of varied topics, and 6 to 8 magazines a month. I guess for me my addictive and obsessive behavior is apparent in my stomach (sweets) and in my reading (books and magazines cover every flat surface).
Also, I'm going back into the gym and bball court with JL. Exercise has always given me relief like reading. I wish I had lots of friends. I'd be laughing with them, but alas I don't. I just have to take this break from work. I so look forward to Saturday. My first day I will allow teacher thoughts to go "orange".
My classroom was on DoDEA website. I mean I have had beautiful functioning rooms. What happened?
Well, the past is done. In three weeks of a clean break after this Friday I will go into my new classroom and methodically organize it. Refine. Refine. Refine.
I wish I had taken pictures of my classrooms. I wish I had a professional portfolio. Something of substance to reclaim what I lost this year. Order and loveliness.
The only other time I was so disorganized was in mania.
One of the four teachers I personally asked to help me improve on management and classroom environment gave me Teach Like a Champion. And, then I'm going ahead and re-reading my foundational texts. Thank god, teacher texts are so easy to read. I do better with notes- not in margin, but actual notes. First, I'll read all these books. I'll list them as I read. Then, I'll specifically re-read what moved me the most and make index card notes which then will be transferred to like a working document.
I will never succum to poor work ethic again. Forget the kids. Its me who suffers the most. Somehow, my students either excelled by 1.6 month gains in 9 months, or were held back and managed only 7 month gains in 9 months specifically in math. Therefore, my average gain is about 12 month gain in 9 months is reading and math. God, how? How can I have my worst year and still not tragically harm my students?
Standard measures are: DRA2, SRI, Reading Counts and the frustrating StarMath. Its time for me to see if I can move my class I have next year two years in one year. I did this with my class of SY 09-10, Second grade in my first year. I think I may be able to leapfrog this past school year, and actually quantify my ability as a teacher for second grade. Either second graders are the MOST capable of making two years learning in one year, or its me. I really need a third year to determine if I am actually making a difference. I know more about data and extraction and what formative assessments lead to good/fantastic summative assessments.
Despite being totally hollow after this year. I think statistically I may actually be able to be a MASTER TEACHER. I think my embulent behavior and need to rattle research is annoying to others, but thank god, I love what I do. I've always been an odd duck, but overall I'm rather kind and jovial and love teaching kids to THINK and embrace each chance they get to develop their capacity for learning. Even feeling hopeless like when I think of the mess of culled teacher materials waiting to be moved into my new classroom I am not despondent. Even miserable I am rather happy.
However, after this Friday when I do my additional training for Everyday Mathematics I will not touch, or do one thing related to my education as a teacher. I will cook. I will clean. I will connect with my incredible 16 year old daughter. We'll travel and I will read all of the other books I have waiting in the wings.
I'm not like TRoosevelt and able to read three books a day, but its taken me almost three years to again have the chops to read and to retain what I read like I have always. For my whole adult life I have read 200 to 250 books a year- of varied topics, and 6 to 8 magazines a month. I guess for me my addictive and obsessive behavior is apparent in my stomach (sweets) and in my reading (books and magazines cover every flat surface).
Also, I'm going back into the gym and bball court with JL. Exercise has always given me relief like reading. I wish I had lots of friends. I'd be laughing with them, but alas I don't. I just have to take this break from work. I so look forward to Saturday. My first day I will allow teacher thoughts to go "orange".
Monday, June 20, 2011
Rest and Study and Encourage Jessica-Laura's Fearlessness
I seriously considered after each day I taught this year that I probably would do better quitting, but each morning I was convinced I could make a difference. Easily one of the worst years in my life...even with sleep easing my harried thoughts.
I need more distance from this school year. So, tomarrow I turn in my key and finalize my move to my new classroom and then I'll take three week breather and do anything, BUT think about teaching, my teacing, effective skill sets ALL teachers of ECE need. I just need to get away. So, I'll read about Providence, France and bake. I love baking. I'll help JL plan more complex suppers and we'll eat light meals for lunch. We'll shop for cooking materials and radical badass clothing that really fits JL.
I just need a break, and then I'll hone into my craft and rework the parts that failed this year. You know failure is tranformative experience either you adapt and overcome, or you quit. And, I don't quit- not if I think I have more to give. But...let my relax and not OVERTHINK this year. I must think "orange" and let this year go, and throw myself into other joys: reading, cooking and being with Jessica-Laura as she starts to become a full fledged person that dresses, cooks and lives fearless.
Today she shredded two tees. My God, what can she NOT do that is artistic? The cuts were even and just right in width. It was hilarious because she could not put on the last shirt without assistance- so many openings is confusing. I told her that she'd have to rise at 3AM in order to dress herself because with these new clothes they were so complex in design.
I remember when we were new to each other and she was just four months old. I was leaning down to scoop her up to love on her and her eyes were so old and wise. I was babbling some gooey stuff, and I caught my breath. I leaned in to see if it was reflection that had shown me a new look, but no it was Jessica-Laura. She was possibly 400 years old. I searched for words to match the studied look from her and all I could come up with was:
"What the hell?!"
Then in less than two seconds she was cooing and laughing and we were back to me- the adult caring for a helpless baby. But, for like two seconds I saw an old soul. And, I have always been aware that she is the one putting up with me- and not the other way around.
I abhor goobly-gook and pan religious morphing and psychological babbling. I've tasted all of these types of "worldviews", but honest...I think of the two of us JL is the ancient one. And, its my job to help that fearlessness come out that I saw for less than two seconds when she was four months old.
I think this summer will be her summer, and mine!
I need more distance from this school year. So, tomarrow I turn in my key and finalize my move to my new classroom and then I'll take three week breather and do anything, BUT think about teaching, my teacing, effective skill sets ALL teachers of ECE need. I just need to get away. So, I'll read about Providence, France and bake. I love baking. I'll help JL plan more complex suppers and we'll eat light meals for lunch. We'll shop for cooking materials and radical badass clothing that really fits JL.
I just need a break, and then I'll hone into my craft and rework the parts that failed this year. You know failure is tranformative experience either you adapt and overcome, or you quit. And, I don't quit- not if I think I have more to give. But...let my relax and not OVERTHINK this year. I must think "orange" and let this year go, and throw myself into other joys: reading, cooking and being with Jessica-Laura as she starts to become a full fledged person that dresses, cooks and lives fearless.
Today she shredded two tees. My God, what can she NOT do that is artistic? The cuts were even and just right in width. It was hilarious because she could not put on the last shirt without assistance- so many openings is confusing. I told her that she'd have to rise at 3AM in order to dress herself because with these new clothes they were so complex in design.
I remember when we were new to each other and she was just four months old. I was leaning down to scoop her up to love on her and her eyes were so old and wise. I was babbling some gooey stuff, and I caught my breath. I leaned in to see if it was reflection that had shown me a new look, but no it was Jessica-Laura. She was possibly 400 years old. I searched for words to match the studied look from her and all I could come up with was:
"What the hell?!"
Then in less than two seconds she was cooing and laughing and we were back to me- the adult caring for a helpless baby. But, for like two seconds I saw an old soul. And, I have always been aware that she is the one putting up with me- and not the other way around.
I abhor goobly-gook and pan religious morphing and psychological babbling. I've tasted all of these types of "worldviews", but honest...I think of the two of us JL is the ancient one. And, its my job to help that fearlessness come out that I saw for less than two seconds when she was four months old.
I think this summer will be her summer, and mine!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Reformation is an American's DNA
America is very much a country that is the result of Reformation that occurred in Europe and particularity the very first waves of immigrants.
I think the American spirit and attitudes of today are distillations of the highly seggregated and religious freedom seekers of the early 1600's.
So, I'll spend time rereading early American founding father books and begin reading published works by America's early authors.
Personally, I'm going through a Reformation myself. Its terrible when you find you are terrible at doing what you love, teaching. But, I will do better. And, teacher research will be most of my summer and planning to be a more effective teacher will be primarily my focus. Reformation is tranformative only if those involved "self-select" their future.
I think the American spirit and attitudes of today are distillations of the highly seggregated and religious freedom seekers of the early 1600's.
So, I'll spend time rereading early American founding father books and begin reading published works by America's early authors.
Personally, I'm going through a Reformation myself. Its terrible when you find you are terrible at doing what you love, teaching. But, I will do better. And, teacher research will be most of my summer and planning to be a more effective teacher will be primarily my focus. Reformation is tranformative only if those involved "self-select" their future.
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